"What do you say when it's all been said?
How do you feel when it's all been felt?
Where do you go when it's all gone?
And you don't care enough to carry on?"
-Edie Brickell
I wish I'd written these lyrics. In four sentences she was able to touch on every emotion I've felt at some point in my life. Sometimes all at the same time. Thankfully, at the age of 36, I'm wise enough to know that no matter the situation, there is always a lesson learned. Words are empty promises unless I live my life like each second counts. It's easy to get lost in my job and even easier to pretend that I've got it all together. At least that's how I used to live. However, as my losses grew and my self confidence dwindled, I knew that unless I made a conscious effort to simply be aware of each day, I would lose more and more precious time to make amends to those I hurt and to change areas of my life that are unfulfilling. I'm in the beginning stages of this process and in the past few months I've felt something I've never felt before. I can only describe it as an empowerment I feel when I wake up in the morning, knowing I have complete control over my life. I've never been one to contemplate the meaning of life or to dwell on the unknown, but what has always mystified me is the energy we put out and take in, from other people or from situations themselves. I've always been sensitive, a dreamer, a caretaker, and someone whose always overcompensated when I felt if I just said the right thing or did the right thing, maybe he would love me more, or maybe I'd find a better job. But he never loved me more. In fact, I loved myself less...as did he.I don't have to apologize for where I am in my life right now, although according to others, I should be somewhere else, doing something better, with someone really wonderful. I used to dwell on what others said with regards to my life and analyze it until I literally began to doubt every decision I ever made. I don't have time to focus on such negativity when I'm busy using each day to move myself forward in a positive way. And I'm moving forward MY way and on MY time. I've learned that when others offer advice when it wasn't asked for in the first place, it's usually an open invitation to talk about themselves. I don't want to talk about my mistakes. I don't want to beat myself up over what I should've said, or what I should've done. I haven't given my life the care it deserves lately, and I am devastatingly aware that these past few years have cost me a lot. I am also aware that every second I live honestly brings me one step closer to the truth of who I am...and I'm finding out that I really like her.
My hope is that if you are someone who is content in your life, you will find the decency to be kind to others who are finding their own way in this crazy life. You may be an inspiration to us who are still searching, but that doesn't mean we want the same things in our own life. If you are on the other end of the spectrum of life...the one with so many forks in the road that feeling lost has become your way of life, I dare you to put on your armor and live tommorow differently than you did today.
